BACK
By Lauren
Imagine this: You wake up one morning to a flood of intrusive memories, remembering things that happened to you. You start to piece together that you were abused, and put a label to it because you were too young at the time to comprehend what happened to you – that you were sexually abused by a family member for years.
The thoughts continue to replay at the forefront of your mind. For months. You’re forced to see this person at every gathering. You can barely grasp what happened to you and can barely accept it. You feel completely alone as the perpetrator’s relationship to you feels like a betrayal of extraordinary proportions, and that even amongst other sexual abuse or sexual assault survivors, you don’t belong because your experience has another layer of familial rupture and betrayal trauma.
This was me during Year 12. I was in and out of police interviews, trying to stay afloat, let alone study rigorously for what felt like life-defining exams.
I have recently finished a psychology degree and am working as an advocate and victim-survivor on research projects. I have received thousands of hours of therapy through Victim Services in NSW, which provided me with free counselling with a Clinical Psychologist. Due to my being a very young child, my 22 hours turned into 3 years of weekly-fortnightly support.
Surviving child sexual abuse and trying to rebuild your life is so difficult. It makes you lose your sense of identity, and it makes you feel as though the trauma is your only defining feature.
It seeps into everyday life, whether it be relationships, jobs, friendships, studies, body image and self-esteem. I personally have rejected any opportunity for romance because the idea of intimacy is so beyond terrifying that I cannot fully comprehend it or allow myself to feel vulnerable in that way. It’s hard to focus on school or show up when your internal and external worlds are in crisis.
I wanted to write this to say to other survivors that you are not alone, and it’s not your fault. What happened to you is a reflection of them. Their evil choice does not taint you. You are whole and worthy and enough, and even if you have struggled, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Your life can be beautiful. There are support services and helplines out there.
Please know you’re not alone, and life does get better, and you deserve healing and happiness.