BACK
*TRIGGER WARNING* The following article contains discussion of child sexual abuse. If you need to talk to someone, please call Bravehearts’ Support Line on 1800 272 831 (Mon to Fri, 8:30am-4:30pm AEDST) or Lifeline (24hrs) 13 11 14
By Kerri Sloper
I grew up as one of twins. Cute little blond twins who attracted attention wherever we went. Unfortunately, I was groomed and then abused.
It started at a very young age with a game that led to the abuse. I think I was about four and it ended when the abuser moved away when I was nine. The abuse occurred weekly, and all seemed to blend.
During this time when walking to school, another abuser tried to abduct me and my twin. Fortunately, the school had told us what to do and we followed the instructions, memorised the number plate and ran home and told Mum who called the police, and the perpetrator was caught but not before he hurt other children.
The abuse was happening to us closer to home, when this happened, but we could not tell mum as our abuser had made threats and we felt under his control. We were afraid of him and believed his lies.
After he had finally gone, I ignored the abuse, never spoke of it and got on with existing. It was like a dark cloud in the shadows, always there reminding me I was second-rate, not worth anything, a fraud, an imposter, ugly, evil. I felt all these things so tried to stay in the background.
Then I found music, I sang, played instruments and acted the part of a music performer, which was like a second skin covering the abuse and pushing it away even further. The triggers were still there, and the cracks appeared only to be covered up quickly so no one could see the ‘real’ me, the damaged frightened little girl me.
Eventually, when I found the man of my dreams and we got married I had to face the past and be brave enough to delve deep and rescue the little me inside so I could become whole. My second therapist helped me write poetry about my abuse and through this, the two picture, poetry books I have now published came about, ‘The White Canvas’ and ‘The Why Inside’. These books helped me finally come to be at peace and be able to face the world and show the true me without shame or guilt.
Speaking out, and publishing the books so there are no more secrets is what has changed me. I am a successful musician, a multi-instrumentalist and a music teacher. I do not have to hang my head in shame or hide from the world. I will never get justice as my abuser does not live in the same country, but I have realised I don’t need it to heal from the abuse or to be happy and free.
An organisation in Western Australia that assists domestic violence victims is a group called Healing Smiles. Although I have not used their services I was touched when I heard about them and wrote a poem they published in their magazine 8th edition 2023. I hope in the future to help in a more practical way by fundraising as my own teeth have been affected by my abuse to the degree I wear a splint each night to stop me from clenching my jaw.
Now I want to help others who have endured abuse, feel the same way, be free to live a happy life and grow to be who they deserve to become. Happy and fulfilled. Acknowledge the past without the shame that was never theirs and enjoy truly living.
I carry the guilt, I carry the shame,
I carry the hurt and myself I blame.
I was just a child, I had no choice,
When an evil adult, took away my voice.
I suffered in silence my tears fell in in shadows.
Nobody could save me because nobody knows.
So, I carried the evil that was done to me.
I endured the torture, and I could not flee.Little faces pure and sweet
Looking up at those who greet.
Evil lurking touching places
Wiping smiles off little faces.
Sadness, tears and quite withdrawn
All for a childhood taken, we mourn.
Protect the little ones, help them heal!
Love them, believe them, in their ordeal.As the time moved on and the past became distant,
I buried that evil and tried to make it, non-existent.
But in the darkness, I knew it was there,
Lurking and threatening as I became more self-aware.
The little child me, grew up and got older.
With each passing year, I became bolder and bolder.
I confronted the evil and sought to rip it away.
I confronted him, hated him and finally I saw a clear day.
I can breathe fresh air and enjoy all that life can bring.
And like the scorpion, my abuser I sting.
For little children who carried others’ shame.
Eventually grow up to speak out and their lives reclaimed.
Would you like to share your own survivor story?
Sharing your own story of survival can be a powerful way to help other survivors of child sexual abuse feel like they aren’t alone in their journey. Many survivors also feel sharing has helped them find hope and healing. If sharing your story is something you are interested in, please reach out to us using the form at the end of our dedicated Survivor Stories page.